Temptation

Lately, I have been tempted to pick up old habits.
I haven't, but I want to.

Clarity

When God allows you to see things, it is amazing.

As I have previously mentioned, I have suffered from eating disorder. While I am still doing great with that, there are times I want to give up.

We all know the effect the media has on eating disorders. Most people also know how the media digitally enhances girls' pictures to make them look skinnier than they are. Well last night I tried this technique out in Photoshop CS. I took a picture of a plus size model from the internet, a very beautiful girl, and it took all of 10 minutes to make inches smaller.




This made me sick.

However, I now see that God gives us all beautiful bodies. Whether our hipbones are too big or too small, God finds them just right. The supermodels and movie stars on magazine covers is not what God made me. I'm starting to find that alright with me.

God bless you all.

Talents

I deeply believe that God gives us all talents. However, when are we to know what is a God-given talent or just a hobby? I love to sing. I also love photography. I am not saying that I am the best, but I believe I am pretty darn good.

I want to use these talents for the Lord's glory. I am just not sure how yet.

God bless you all.

New Roofs

A roof is a covering, a protection. Mine has changed. The absence of blogging is probably due to that. Shortly after my last post my life changed.

My cousin, who is not really living a Christian life, and I, who started trying, had a falling out. It wasn't just a falling out but an epic battle. I don't know how to talk about the situation without sounding like I am complaining so I will not.

Therefore, about a week and a half ago I moved back in with my dad and step-mom. I'm not sure why I ever left. I guess I was just being foolish and trying to assert my independence. Now that I am back, things have been great.

I am doing well on my new life-style. Although I have been growing with God, I still have trouble remembering to read my Bible first thing in the morning, and I know if I don't do it then it won't get done. I am also very passionate about my art again. I will be creating a photography blog soon.

God has blessed me with such an amazing family here at my dad's. Although I miss my now non-existent relationship with my grandma and my cousins who live with her, I know that choices have to be made. We choose our own environments. I am now choosing for my environment to be beneficial instead of destructive.

I hope you all will choose the same.

God bless you all.

Doors

When doors open, do they stay so? Does the lord have a list of doors that will open in our life? What if we aren't ready for the doors to close behind us?

Today was my first day of work. I'm not quite sure how I am going to survive at this job. I love the co-workers. They are all so nice. It's the managers that make being a cashier there seem unbearable. I just pray that the Lord will give me the strength to make it through this summer there.

I do not feel as though I am ready to be independent. Life seems to have flown past me. I must rely on God to help me through this stage in my life. I pray that he gives me fulfillment during this time. I don't want this transition to fly past me. I read this great post last night. It was a forum post on how to prepare for your husband. This passage really opened my eyes. I have never really felt as though i was supposed to be preparing myself for my husband. I am still a virgin and though that preparation enough. However, now I see there is so much more that I need to do for myself before I take on that vital duty in my life.

In my Bible study this morning I reached Psalm 23. I have heard that passage numerous times. I had never truly listened to it though. It has such a calming message. I pray that you all also find something today that calms you.

God bless you all.

Seven Deadly Sins

I feel as though I went through four out of the seven deadly sins today. I have definitely not been walking the righteous path.

Lust - I am curious as to whether I am the only young woman who wakes up in the morning with lustful thoughts on occasion. It usually occurs after I have had a dream about physical contact with a man. It feels unfair to me. How am I supposed to deal with those natural impulses when I first wake up? Is it even normal for this to happen?

Wrath - Phew. This was a biggie today. It angered me greatly today when two family members that I live with just lay around the house and mess while my grandma is begging them to clean up their mess. It really pushed my limit today. I exploded at my cousin. After I finished screaming and walked away, I was so upset that I was shaking. My hands were trembling so much that my food fell off my plate. I have been lost that much control over my anger in years. The feelings of wanting to harm another human being are heartbreaking. It is probably even more so for the Lord.

Sloth - I feel so unproductive today. The only thing I accomplished was cleaning the den while in my state of anger. I despise not living my day to its full potential. Hopefully tomorrow, my first day of work, I will be able to use the gifts god gave me to help others.

Gluttony - This is the one I am unsure of having committed. It could be just due to my eating disorder, or I really could have eaten too carelessly today. When is pigging out considered gluttony?

Through all of this, God has been with me. I have walked in his presence as much as possible today. Hopefully you all have lived a more Godly day than I have, and may we all have a better day tomorrow.

God bless you all.

A Wonderful Refresher

God is so unbelievably amazing.

It doesn't matter what I've done in my past, he always forgives me and continues to bless me in all parts of my life. He comes through for me time and time again.

Quite recently, I had been in a place in my life of depression. I am quite confident that everyone reaches this point at least once in their life. However, I now feel that I may have dwelt in that place for quite a long time. Since about the age of 12, I have been fighting many demons of my own. Ranging from self injury (cutting) to eating disorders to suicide attempts, I was living in a dark place.

Through all of this, I have remained ambitious and was fortunate enough to be accepted into my dream school. This dream school just happens to be outlandishly expensive. I spent about 4 days crying and depressed over the fact that I may not be able to get the money to follow my dreams. I applied for numerous student loans and just kept have mine and my co-signer's credit denied. I was actually looking for community colleges who would take rolling admission. I even started pondering other ways to raise money including stripping and selling my prescription drugs.

In the middle of sobbing one day, a small voice came to me. These were not physical words of sound but just as real and comforting. I cannot cite exactly what was said, but that welcomed interruption to my tears compelled me to pick up the rose colored Bible on my floor and turn to the book of Psalms.

I read the first three chapters. I then knew that whatever happened from here on out was in God's hands. I then gained enough strength to continue applying for loans. I went to Chase Student Loans out of pure faith. I didn't doubt that God could get my step-mom's credit approved, but I knew that if the credit was approved it was all Him. Well, my credit WAS approved!

The sobbing started again. These were tears of peace and joy.

This all occurred about a 4 days ago. Since then I have been searching to strengthen my relationship with Him once more. I have been reading at least three chapters of Psalms every morning when I first wake up. It is doing wonders in my life. I have handed my eating disorder over to God and know that he is the only one who can help me through it. I am now searching for the Lord in every aspect of my life.

I may have a long journey ahead of me. I will travel this journey though. If I can inspire or anyone through this blog it would be so much more than I could have asked for. I would also deeply appreciate any feedback and friendship offered.

God bless you all.